On the throne. On the gin. Online.

Spent the morning at Windsor Castle tidying up from the weekend’s Royal Eurovision Song Contest Fancy Dress Party. Had Wallace and Gromit (Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg) on the phone for a motivational bollocking before lunch. Mr Clegg was in a particularly good mood as the equal marriage bill is being debated in parliament this [...]

European Referendum Day: that annual vote when Europeans decide if they would like the United Kingdom to stay in the European Union. It’s fair to say we haven’t been the most popular nation for a number of years, although we did do rather well in the predecessor competition, World War II. They were holding a [...]

Very shocked to hear David Beckham announce that he is to retire. Who knew that he was still playing football? One had actually absolutely no idea he could talk but, as the Ex-Queen of the Netherlands always used to say, if you can’t speak out when you’re throwing in the towel, when can you? Apparently [...]

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons, My government’s legislative programme will focus on appearing to make progress whilst in reality being deadlocked by infighting, incompetence and shear lack of creativity or common sense, thus continuing a political tradition that dates back for at least one hundred years. My ministers’ first priority will [...]

Oh brilliant. Just what one wanted; another sodding portrait of oneself. As if it’s not tiresome enough seeing one’s face whenever one posts a letter or puts a tenner on a horse, every artist on the planet is queuing up to “interpret” one on canvass. One wouldn’t mind, but if one sees another single portrait [...]